Captain Compassion is not a doctor, psychologist, or sexual therapist. He has lived a little, watched a few soap operas, read a few trashy novels, and has seen more than one episode of both Love Connection and Singled Out. His opinions are his own, and in some cases they might not be entirely helpful. It's just an opinion, no more no less. Now, let's tackle your questions!

Dear Captain Compassion,

I got a serious problem! Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost two years and I thought things were OK between us. I have always thought that she wanted to have better sex but she never complained. I went away for Thanksgiving Break and I happened to return a day early. When I walked into our place, my girlfriend was in bed with another woman! They both apologized, but she won't stop seeing "Ellen." What am I to do? I love my girlfriend and she loves me, but our sex isn't good. Help me...

Frustrated in Fort Worth

Dear Frustrated,

My immature, hormonally driven side would say something along the lines of, "And your problem is...?" -- but that of course would be insensitive, and reminiscient of a bad sitcom. For example, on one episode of Three's Company, Jack Tripper found his girlfriend and Larry's girlfriend...but I digress.

If your girlfriend likes sleeping with another woman, it is best to resign yourself to the fact that that is not likely to change. YOU like sleeping with women, don't you? Do you envision that changing at any time in the foreseeable future? If your answer is no, than you're halfway to accepting her interests. People are who they are.

Unfortunately, her having sex with another woman seems to be having a detrimental effect on your sex life. That is a problem. Moreover, you seem to be interested in an exclusive relationship with her, and she feels differently. Again, that is also a problem. Since she has said she won't stop seeing "Ellen," you need to ask yourself the time-honored question: Is she worth it? Would you rather be with her or without her? If the answer is with, you're going to have deal with her side relationship. If you're not comfortable with that, it might be time to seek a girlfriend elsewhere.

If you decide she is worth it, Captain Compassion has some advice for you: You say the sex isn't good. Tell your girlfriend that, and express your desire to change things. To make the best of the situation. To live life to the fullest. Do I have to spell it out for you? In a word, Frustrated:

Threesome.

If the sex still isn't good, you just write back and let the Captain know.

Dear Captain Compassion,

I've been dating my girlfriend for a while and we get along pretty well. I received quite a shock the other day when we were out shopping. We walked by a mirror in a department store and her reflection did not appear in the mirror.

I think she is a vampire or something. I really like her and I don't want to break up with her. What should I do? Is there someone I can call about this sort of thing?

Sincerely,
Worried In Wollaston

Dear Worried,

The Captain finds your question troubling. You say you've been dating your girlfriend for a while, and that you really like her, yet as soon as you encounter one minor little obstacle to the relationship, you fly off the handle. It's possible that the real issue is your fear of commitment, which is so intense and emotionally crippling that when things get a bit close, you blame her as a defense mechanism for your own fears. Perhaps it's YOU who are the vampire in this relationship, sucking all the honesty and love out of the pairing. And why? Because she makes you go shopping with her? Could that be it?

Let's address your theory, however unlikely it may be. (Note I say "unlikely," since it would be arrogant of me to presume she isn't a vampire without having met the woman.) I feel compelled to ask you a few other questions about her. To wit: Has she ever given you a hickey? And I don't just mean an embarrassing one, but a blood-draining, life-threatening one? Does she avoid the sun? The cross? Garlic? Does she speak with a thick Slavik accent? Has she ever turned into a bat? A wolf? What about mist? To me, that's the clincher. If she has ever turned into mist during sex, then you can be certain that she is vampyr, nosferatu, the undead. These things do not die. To quote Anthony Hopkins.

Another important question: Are you SURE it was a mirror and not a window? There's a difference. Look into it.

Is there someone you can call about this, you ask. Sure -- but I'd say you did the right thing by contacting the Captain. After all, I'll just criticize you, make fun of you, and encourage you to replace your fear of commitment with a backbone. Others would probably already be sending over the big butterfly net.

In short, I'd stay with her for the moment. You never know; this could be the beginning of not just a lengthy relationship -- but an everlasting one.

Captain Compassion is a helluva guy, and he's looking out for you as best he can. E-mail him and share your problem. Captain Compassion's column appears every Monday on CollegeBeat.