I remember before I was a Veteran, I just wanted to serve my country as a Military Policeman. I would become a State Policeman after serving my country. I would have the respect of my family and all who would know me. I thought that I would gain respect from people for service to my country because I always had respect for the veterans.These were my thoughts when I was 18. I know now how ignorant I really was. That was in 1975 and now I have long forgotten about respect. I haven’t seen any existence of respect nor do I seek it out. This journey into the military would cause people to look at me and walk the other way.

I lost the ability to experience pleasure on the same level as I could before I entered the service. I had intrusive thoughts and “flashbacks”and all types of mood swings. I knew only that while in service I had been changed in some strange way. I lost my self in the violence of the Military Police duty. I would try to find my mind in the years to come. This would be a journey I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

I remember the shooting death of my partner. He was a young man of 24. I couldn’t make the connection between my insane behavior and the fact that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the violent nature of my work. Who would think that I would get P.T.S.D. in Hawaii as a Military Police officer. I was honorably discharged from the service in 1978.

I would be in and out of the V.A. hospital since 1980 for a total of about 30 months. I would be misdiagnosed and over medicated. I was diagnosed with just about every mental disorder in the books from 1980 to 1999. In all those years the Panic Disorder diagnosis of 1980 would be the closest the doctors came to the finale diagnoses of P.T.S.D.

I find it difficult to understand the attitude in the VA hospital, the treatment was not only poor but the doctors and the social worker tried to make me feel guilty for even being there in the first place. The treatment was truly bazaar.

When I was taken into the V.A. hospital in 1996 I was very ill, I was self destructive and depressed. I recall that the predominant treatment was to get me to agree to leave the hospital. I was told that I was fine and I would be discharged soon. I talked with the other patients and found out that they too were being moved out as quickly as possible. I am aware that this type of treatment is life threatening to the veterans. The men that I met, including myself, are periodically violent and suicidal, to cast them out after one week of "treatment", in the name of some budget is a crime. I suspect that men have died because of this insensitivity.

The hospital boasts, with a flag on every lamp post, "Veterans First". This is only a symbolic gesture of good will and a show for the public. In the hospital, behind the walls of a declining budget, the veterans are last. I can’t believe that we as a country would stand for this type of treatment towards our veterans. I am proud to be among these guys. The veterans in the hospital have helped me in many ways to find my way back. I care about them.

I wouldn’t sign out of the hospital when the staff wanted me to, I was not able nor ready. I was in protest, and the senior staff on my ward was angry with me. I sat before a doctor who would only tap her pen and glare at the ceiling as I bored her with my problems. The social worker would use a form of intimidation that I found strange. He would threaten to have veterans discharged if they were not to his liking. I searched for the answers as to why, in 1996, my hospitalization was so bad. I realized that the budget had been cut and the hospital staff was very low. I could see that many of the wards had been closed and that the population in the hospital had significantly decreased. This type of treatment I experienced can only make a person bitter. I was in need of help, as were so many other veterans, and I ran into a system that would rather send me away.

I was so grateful to find a few dedicated people working in the hospital. They truly cared for the veterans. I discussed my experience with them and they were so embarrassed at how I was treated. They confirmed my suspicions, that this type of treatment dominates the hospital system. I am ashamed to see what we as a country are doing to the men and women who have sacrificed so much of themselves for our freedom.

I remember the men and women from the various organizations who would come to the hospital on a regular basis doing volunteer work. They would always make us feel like we were special. They were very kind. I knew that these were the men and women who genuinely were aware of our condition and would do all in their power to give us some form of comfort. I spent 3 Christmas seasons and other holidays in the hospital. The volunteers always made us feel that there was someone who could see far beyond a budget or just a job description. They had the heart for the job. Where is America’s heart? The heart of America is buried in the sand. When we need the veterans to service us in another conflict or war then we will tie the yellow ribbon around any tree we see! Oh! how wonderful our soldiers are then!

As I walk in such lonely desperation my journey is filled with thoughts of guilt as I reflect. Did I do something wrong? How did I end up in this terrible condition? I should be able to function, I am a Military Policeman. I did a job well done, that is what I was told by the military. My loved ones are baffled by my condition. They can’t understand. I am alone with my dark thoughts, how I wish I was the honorable man of yesterday. There is the past that will lift me or sometimes cast me into great sorrow. Those that don’t understand, will not know my loss. Individuals taking the time to learn the heart ache of the veteran is something I don’t find too often. I walk in the boots of my past; be it for good or bad. I can’t change my military experience, it has become part of what I am.

If you care about your freedom and country then you own it to yourself to consider the way the disabled veterans are treated. Don’t hide us from view or forget us, we are your conscience. We are the Service Connected Disabled Veterans. We, in one way or the other, became injured in service to you.

We as Americans spend so much money on other countries. We support sometimes silly and ineffective programs that need to be reevaluated. Think about it all the things we do in the name of compassion, yet our veterans suffer. I am disturbed by this behavior. I am writing this article because I have been there, I know better than any one what my experience has been. I want my fellow veterans to know that I care about them.

America must support benefits and compensation for veterans. We should make sure that the veteran is able to receive reasonable treatment with in the V.A. hospital! This is a matter of national defense and common compassion. We pay millions of dollars on machinery of war, the veteran is not a machine but a human with feelings and a heart turned toward service and love for his country, don’t forsake us. Our elected officials must know that we as Americans will stand for nothing less than "Veterans First" in all ways. Let us move our country in the right direction, not just with cute slogans but with a firm commitment to our extraordinary veterans!

Steve Gregory is a disabled veteran. He has suffered with post traumatic stress disorder (P.T.S.D.) since 1977. He have suffered with addiction a great deal and has spent years in black-outs due to medications given improperly. He has attempted to shorten his life on several occasions. The odds weren’t in his favor, however God was looking far beyond his physical condition. The things of this world have grown strangely dim. The daily problems he faces doesn’t seem so great in comparison to what God has brought him through

He is a singer-song writer. He puts down words on paper to represent a feeling or a spiritual truth that needs to be "touched" in some way, then he delivers it. He draws upon the past Joy and Light that have over powered the dark places of his life.

He has recorded quite a few of his songs on cassette for demo use; however he wants create an outstanding CD product.

To find out more about him and his music check out his web site Broken Chains Ministry Home Page