Learning Curve By the time you read this, I will either be, or fast approaching, 42 years old. When I was sixteen, I swore that I would never make it to my thirtieth birthday. When I was thirty, I prayed I would never see forty. When I was forty, I found myself clinging on to life for dear life. In this past year, sea changes have happened, and I wanted to share them with you, in lieu of those hideous year end columns everyone else publishes that tell you things you already know. Especially since this is the end of the millennium (if you believe conventional wisdom and the Christian calendar), those will proliferate like lice on the heads of a class of first graders. (Parenthetical note: next year, on Dec. 31, 2000, I fully expect to be attending a "come as your favorite century of the second millennium" party, if I have to throw it myself!) Anyway, rather than look back at stuff you already know, let me look back at stuff maybe you don't know, or you missed.
I had some pretty scary brushes this year, starting with my brother-in-law's father, and coming as close as my own brush with the reaper (nothing serious as it turned out, amen). The worst part of it is this is only the beginning. While the end of my own road is still far away (I hope), those around me do not have so far to travel, it seems. A curse of being precocious is that you tend to hang out with people older than you. And Darcy? I was saddened to read about your father, Joe, in The Times. It's difficult to read about the parent of a school chum. Oddly, though, it was this event that triggered this column. You probably won't read this (al tho I'm hoping some of our mutual friends will direct you here).
I've discovered the joys of friendship. This may not mean a whole lot to you, who probably spent most of your life refining friendships, and weeding and feeding them much like a gardener, but for me, this was a revelation. Friendships never came easily for me. I was always different and was always treated that way by people: friends and family alike. This made me extremely suspicious of people who wanted to be my friend, as if I could ever have a normal relationship. Again, to Darcy (as a symbol to all the people I turned my back to), I only wish I made a bigger effort to be there. I took solace in my intellect, you know, "I am a Rock" sort of stuff. As such, I tried to disappear from view. I remember how, when I was working part time in the pharmacy, I used to deliver to your apartment on Sutton Place. I felt so small and insignificant going there, and embarrassed for you to see me in this light. I should have (but couldn't) know better.
Again, going on the death thing, as I faced a day or two looking at my own mortality this summer, I realized how much I had neglected myself. Yes, as it turned out, it was insignificant as ailments go, easily treatable, but very scary. Blood leaving your body always is. I look at it now as a warning. I'm not in my twenties or thirties any longer, and gee, guess what? I never was immortal! I have to take care of myself because goodness knows, I should have (but didn't) when I had my youth. I'll pay a price for that, but I can still mitigate the damage.
Three words sum this up: Linux At Retail. What the hell ever happened to subversion of the process? By the same token, I would never have imagined that I'd find myself defending people who I wouldn't have thought worth the time of day. There's a pendulum of morality, and it swings both ways, I guess.
I had a battle with someone at work. The guy is a complete and utter asshole, and always will be. He makes me look reasonable. Anyway, as the year dragged on, and the fight raged on, I suddenly had this insight that it just wasn't worth it, that my life was revolving around either staying out of this jerk's way, or making my own way through the world more comfortably. I chose the latter, made my peace, and while I can still ignore him, I don't have to do it consciously.
On the other hand, I had the chance to call John Rocker, the Braves relief pitcher who dissed New York City and the citizens here, an asshole to his face as he was driven out of town in disgrace after the Series. You bet I did it. An insignificant ass deserves to be smacked down hard.
I.F. "Izzy" Stone once said that the news should be reported so that no one is surprised by any story. That puts a responsibility on me (and you) to read the newspaper everyday. For example, the day I write this, Yeltsin has just defended Russia's incursion into Checnya to a summit. In a year or so, this rather vigorous and insulting defense may trigger a nuclear war. I read it when it happened, so it won't surprise me if it does.
See my second point. But I always keep in mind that I couldn't have gotten here, an enlightened appreciation of friendship, if I hadn't suffered through some awful disillusionment and disappointments.
"I know you, you know me, let's fall out of the family tree." It is impossible for the vast majority of people to get this: families suck. You choose your friends. If your friends behaved the way your siblings or parents do, you'd drop them like a bad habit in a minute. It's really too bad there's such a stigma about doing this with your family. Think about it: the people you should be most able to rely on and expect to treat you with dignity and respect are precisely the people who are least likely to, and yet our society judges you badly if you turn your back on them. Pitiful idea, if you ask me.
Amen. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. Besides, the new millennium doesn't start until 2001.
It must be, or "Star Trek: The Next Generation" would still be on.
An unexamined life is not worth living, but an un-lived life is not unworthy of examination. Any chance you have to do something very different than you have been doing, and it appeals to you, jump at it. Trust that what you feel, the attraction it has, means something. Likewise, trust that if it scares you as well, then think about it. Hm. That's not a bad life's philosophy, I suppose. If it is attractive, go for it, unless you think there's a reason you shouldn't, in which case, sleep on it. Of course, in my case, part of my problem is that I have slept on my stimuli. And paid an awful price when they've broken off the relationship.
That includes this column, which concludes the year. See you in the next penultimate Millennial annum! Carl
Salonen Visit his home page at http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/de_Valois
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