Purr -Shady Shefik

Monday, February 14, 2000

Can somebody please tell me why a U.S./British consortium offered a deal to the defunct Swedish band, ABBA, with terms that could net the quartet $1 billion? In exchange, all ABBA had to do was reunite for 100 concerts. According to band member, Benny Andersson, "it's a hell of a lot of money to say no to." (Well, that was obvious.)

Then, why did ABBA decline the offer? (Not so obvious.) Following that, they gave a pathetic excuse, simply stating that "it wasn't for us." Would you please shut the hell up already? Are you that crazy not to accept $1 billion from a group of fanatics, who are just throwing money at you for no true justifiable reason?

ABBA, stop with the nonsense. Just take the money and run, before the consortium finds out that they mistakably got phone numbers mixed up and called the wrong band. Something tells me that they were trying to get a hold of The Beatles (again). I don't care what anybody says. ABBA is not, and I repeat, is not worth spending $1 billion on. End of story.

Perhaps the consortium should have offered a deal to the estates and corporations that own the rights to The Marx Brothers. Compared to their $1 billion offer to ABBA, the consortium could get off dirt cheap, since the estates and corporations are fighting over a measly $86,666. Allegedly, Groucho Marx Productions cheated the estates of Harpo Marx and Chico Marx out of the money, when a deal was made for an animated Marx Brothers television program. Claiming that they never authorized the deal, they are suing for a collective two-thirds share of monies received by Groucho Marx Productions from Global Communications Systems.

When you compare the circumstances surrounding the ABBA offering and The Marx Brothers deal, it is ironic to see the more that money is being offered, the less people want it. In contrast, the less that money is being offered, the more people want that instead. If this theory can be proven scientific fact, I will gladly give Michael Jackson 50 cents to actually complete his so-called "comeback" album we've been hearing about so much for over a year now. Better yet, I'll give LaToya Jackson 5 cents to amuse us again on the talk show circuit with her Jackson family fairy tales.

These days, it's all about family. Although April 1st may be April Fool's Day, it won't be a joke when 80 year-old actor James Doohan expects to have his 44 year-old wife, Wende, give birth to the couple's third child. Doohan, who played Scotty in the original Star Trek series, is boldly showing the universe that you are never too old to be a father again. Although the couple claims that they weren't trying to have another child, I find it very hard to even grasp the nature of Doohan still being able to "beam it up" at his age. To spare his wife shock, I hope Doohan kept the lights off during the transport. I seriously doubt that the sight of Doohan's elderly "uprising" is a gratifying experience. The new born will be the couple's first daughter. If Doohan "keeps it up," she won't be the last.

But, which came first? The chicken or the egg?

Apparently, some things in life are just easier to understand, because I am seriously confused as to why the Brit Awards will be honoring the Spice Girls with an award for lifetime achievement. The group has yet to mature into something of delectable musical significance, outside of their currently over-chewed bubblegum flavor. To be presented on March 3rd, during a ceremony at Earl's Court in London, the group feels "overjoyed to have been asked to accept this award." (As you should be.)

The Brit Awards are considered to be the United Kingdom's equivalent of the United States' Grammy Awards. With the lifetime achievement award designed to honor outstanding contribution to British music, I think that the United Kingdom must be suffering greatly for talent, when they have to resort to handing over such a prestigious award that honors a lifetime's worth of achievement to a group that has only been in existence for a few years and has only released two albums. I guess the group's "girl power" voodoo that they've been brainwashing everybody with is truly working.

It's a shame though, that their acceptance of the award only degrades the honor of the award itself. Maybe that's why former Spice Girl, Geri Halliwell, declined the invitation to be onstage with the rest of the group, during the presentation of the award. The Spice Girls have yet to reach the longevity and luminosity of groups, such as The Beatles, Fleetwood Mac, Bee Gees, and Eurythmics, who have all previously received lifetime achievement awards.

Did you have something shady to tell me? Then, stop procrastinating, and send me an e-mail to shadyshefik@hotmail.com!