Wherever You Go I can't resist. OK, in truth, I can't think up a column for this month. I'm bored to tears with politics and science. The commercial strike drags on, and with it, any interest I have in television and programming. It's summer, so books are right out... So I figure I'll share some learned wisdom with you, gentle reader. Knowledge I've acquired over the years at some price to my self-esteem and pride. I want to stay positive. This past year has taught me the value of a positive outlook, and re-reading some of the dregs of cum that have spewed forth from my keyboard, this place really could stand a little fresh air. 1) Invest as much time in yourself as possible, even at the risk of losing friendships. I've always believed that a minute spent with yourself is worth days spent with anyone else. Naturally, not so much time that you find your complexion turning pale, and that you're reading a lot of Anne Rice novels. 2) For every action, there is an equal and opposite judgement. Expect people to stand in your way. Bull them over if you have to, talk them into standing aside when you can, but people will poison the well rather than see you drink at the fount of happiness. Get them out of your way. Surround yourself with people who support what you are doing, even if it means they get a smaller piece of you (see paragraph 1). 3) No one ever went poor overestimating the importance of his dick to the American male. This should be self-evident, but take a look at any magazine stand for proof. Even GQ, by God, features a scantily-clad babe now, and I always thought that was a gay magazine! 4) For at least one hour each week, pretend that life is an R. Crumb comic book. Take the time from your hectic schedule, alter your state of consciousness however you see fit, and wander down a road with no particular place to go. If your spine allows you, walk with that dopey "backwards lean", feet splayed out ahead of you, for a couple hundred yards. Have sex without a plan. Chase bugs. Once you realize that life happens, no matter what you're doing, suddenly that quarterly report on earnings stops looking so ominous. 5) Take a towel. For those of you who have read "The Hitchhiker's Guide", this is obvious. For the few that have not, let me explain: a towel is the most useful item you can carry. It can double as just about any article of clothing, it can pass as a bandage, a breathing mask, or even a weapon when rolled up and snapped. 6) Never lose sight of who you are, and why you are here. Sometimes, in the hustle and bustle of your life, you find yourself totally beholden to the powers that be. Stop. Take a deep breath in private. Look in a mirror, and remember that you couldn't be here if your life hadn't happened exactly the way it did, and so it's up to you to make something of it. Once you do that, whatever else comes your way, you can handle it, or get out of its way. 7) If you are going to do something nice, do it for someone who has no way of thanking you. Maimonides had these levels of charity and the ultimate charity was to do or give something to someone without knowing who you were helping, and without them knowing it was you who was helping. Remember Johnny Appleseed? There was no way he could have known who would eat the apples off the trees he was planting. 8) Stand up and fight for yourself. Too many people will take advantage of you (see paragraph 2), and if you show them they can, they'll continue to until it sickens you. 9) Finally, the best is yet to come. That's about it. I promise next month to have a new column about the elections and about George W. Gore. Have a great summer, gang!
|
