I'm having a party Saturday night. If this is too short notice then consider yourself off the list. If you can be here, there is no dress code, no bar code, no moral code except for some common decency. If you don't like Southern rock, then you don't need to come. If you don't like the Doors then I doubt you'll have much fun. The party starts at dark and does not end until no one likes me anymore. If you don't like the 60's then don't bother coming because the stereo likes them. If you wear beads, you get a door prize. If you wear tie-dye, you get a door prize, a live one. If you don't like beer, there will be pink lemonade, with or without the LSD. If you are the cops, please do not come because you will make a scene, and we all might be busted for having a smile. If you are Al Green, come on in, man. If you can prove you went to Yasgur's farm in 1969 for the Woodstock festival, then you are welcome to anything I have except my cordless telephone. If you wanna drink bring beer, cider, rum, bordeaux, brandy, bourbon, tequila, vodka, or moonshine. We'll share. If you want to drink and drive go live in India, they don't care and you can't buy car insurance anyway. If that's what you want. If you want to watch TV I'll have it on but the sound will be down so we can play the stereo. If you don't like rock, then bring a walkman. But I'll act like i don't know you. If you steal then don't come. If you like Lynyrd Skyrnyrd, then you are a friend of mine. If you don't like liberal people, they will probably be here. If you don't like conservative people then think where you live. If you don't value other people's sense of humor we can all live without practical jokes. If you are insensitive then don't come if you plan to act pompous and rude. If you are oversensitive then come at your own risk. If you want to come to my party then just arrive. Relax and enjoy. If you need to know a schedule of events, it's simply spontaneous. Wear something wild so the rest of us can talk about you. If you want to hear Iron Butterfly we can. If you want to hear Richard Pryor then bring some. New icons are fine, if the language is not too bad. If you get here and want a laugh I have a beagle. My dog does not bite but will beg you for snacks all evening long. If you don't like dogs you can bring a cat. If you don't like the 70's then you may not want to hear "Smoke On The Water". If you don't want to hear The Village People then you're in luck. If you love "Deliverance" then come on in, man.

If you like 7-Up I will provide. You can bring your own cup but please, no glass. One never knows. If you like Jerry Reed, come on in. If you are a fan of Foghat you can wear my Charlotte Hornets hat. Just don't forget where it came from. If you are coming to my party to start a war of words, you need to practice detente. If you have something good, then don't put your light under a bushel. If you want to have fun, then you have to join in. If this invitation seems strange to you, then you are probably about average. But I will be nice to you anyway. If you don't have a spouse, a girlfriend or boyfriend, there will be people to talk to. If you don't like to talk to people you don't know, then you can just relax and listen to Jethro Tull or The Byrds. I will even play Pat Metheny and we can have coffee. Ha ha.

Everybody please bring a gift. You can wrap it in a page from a Furniture Fair ad you got in the mail, or a brown napkin from a fast food restaurant. Or keep it in your pocket. I'll put all the gifts in a wastebasket and then I will hand them out. If somebody else wants to do that, no problem. There will be pink erasers and bubble gum given out at the door, and please don't get them mixed up. PLEASE do not try to manipulate the CD player---it took me six months to learn how to operate it and it is not insured for a second operator. I will just place it in the random mode. That way you will eventually hear something you like unless you listen to opera or rap. You heard me. Some people will go into someone's house and do anything, and so if I have a party I need to have at least some of the bases covered. If you are coming to meet a girl or a guy, lotsa luck. I think we all use personals and singles groups now. If you like Elvis Presley that's cool, but I don't have any. If you like to drink a lot, just remember that any noise is better than Illinois. If you are a Yankee, we all know Mason Dixon. I prefer Jimmy Buffett. If you are torn between going to my party and freezing at a high school football game, then be my guest. If you think my house is too small then maybe we should all go to your house and have a party there.

If you come to my party you can throw Frisbee out back. If you want to argue you have to argue in the spare bedroom, if you can get in. If you want to watch a game with the sound down that's fine unless somebody's watching a movie or cartoons. Then you can watch the game in my bedroom as long as you do not sit on the bed. If you want to use the phone you must sign in and use your real name. If you want to find something on the Internet, a good friend of mine will be happy to oblige. If you want to turn on to porno go buy a magazine, but feel free to browse celebrities if they are attired. Enough about the computer. If you want to order a pizza you gotta share.

Party appetizers I have will consist of snacks out of bags and boxes. There will be dip and salsa. Please admire the candles but don't start a fire. Please don't take home the napkins unless you are really poor. You can use your plate more than one time, I don't mind. The coat check girl may not make it that night, so you can put your coat on the bed. I am not responsible for stolen items. You can bring your cel phone but it would be great if you talked in the bedroom. If you you like the Beatles I have some. If you like Bob Dylan I have that too, but remember that somebody will probably talk junk about his voice. If you like Duran Duran bring some. If you want to dance slow with your honey we can arrange that. If you don't like Cheech and Chong well I guess that is standard these days. If you like Adam Sandler you can listen to him in your car or when you get home. If you are Robert Plant, then come right in. If you are Arlo Guthrie, then I am Billie Holliday. Arlo Guthrie is probably nestled in a lovely cul-de-sac in some remote corner of California. If you like Van Halen, then my speakers can handle what my other guests can handle, but I would not count on that being much. If you liked the 90's, you must remember it better than I I do. It went by so fast. If you want to discuss Star Wars, that'll be great. If you want to compare James Bond actors, by all means. If you want to talk about Rosie O'Donell, I will not try to stop you. Just try to use polite language, we all want to have fun. If you don't want to have fun then you really should do something else that night.

Please smoke outside if it is not too cold. You can drink in the house, I mean after all it is my party, it it is not a church social. Just please remember that other people count too, but I am not sure how high. I have to ask you to leave illegal drugs at home. You can dip Skoal or do expresso until your hair stands straight up. If the dog really bothers you he can go outside, but then he'll miss the party. If you like Reba McEntire, how about some Steve Earle instead. I will try to have balloons, as long as it does not get out of hand. If you want to you can look at my lava light. You can even look at my Grateful Dead book. If you want to you can take home my Rolling Stones(the newspaper), go right ahead.

This party is for everybody I send this invitation to. Crashers are to be tongue-lashed and put out to pasture. You know what I mean. If you only want stay a little while, it's cool. If you are only at my party to see who else is here, then I will not miss you if you leave impromptu. Please come to my party if you get tired of reading The Wall Street Journal, or watching C-Span. We might have The Three Stooges on, but the sound will be down so we can hear some vintage rock. I am sorry but I don't have any dance, but we can air guitar to the Who or Zeppelin. I know that they are not the the end all and be all but that is what I am into. Joni Mitchell, too. If you want to someone can read aloud. William Carlos Williams is good. If you want to watch wrestling you can just read their lips. This is a retro party, come as you are but remember peace, love and happiness. If you like John Coltrane, just remember that around here John Tesh is popular but is confused with jazz musicians. I might be a connisseur. If you want a party hat, please bring one. If you want to pet my dog, please be my guest.

If this party does not seem right for you, well then this is because it is a true "retro" party. The people who would really enjoy it have died and gone to corporate bond trading heaven. They have gone to that great middle-class castle in the sky, the one in the subdivision four miles up the highway, you know, the one with the computer-aided design houses. They study lawn fertilizer profiles in lawn- and-garden magazines. They listen to Windham Hill recordings in digital instead of their Beatles albums, which don't need to be digitized anyway. They pivot between the latest personality development books and business marketing stratagems on Alta Vista. They are in the Hear And Now And The Economic Futures. They know Hendrix died from drugs and there will never be a John Belushi theme park.

So come to my party this Saturday Night, just be there even if you are square, and i think you can even swear, if you do it sort of gracefully. SEE YA.

David Southerland lives in Goldsboro, North Carolina. he is happily single, does not work but pays his own way. He knows a fair amount about computers after having one for one year, has a beagle, likes important films and comedies, likes Tess Gallagher, listens to The Doors, Weather Report, and Oregon(Ralph Towner's band).